I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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