Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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