When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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