i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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