Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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