I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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