She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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