You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
