he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
tell me about the eggs
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
