Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
