I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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