Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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