how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
