You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
