yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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