Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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