I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
