So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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