If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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