Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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