I skipped work to stalk him.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
