By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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