Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
