apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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