He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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