oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
