I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
