Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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