he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
