Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
