I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
