4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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