I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize