There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
