please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
