how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
