I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You ruined the universe
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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