we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
