In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
People in love make me want to vomit
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize