One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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