i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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