if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
