Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
