Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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