she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
