last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
