I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize