can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
