Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
