Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I AM VODKA MAN
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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