You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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