If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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