We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
