I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
