Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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