Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
