why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Nobody cheats on THIS.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
