Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
