Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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