just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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