You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just invented taco cereal.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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