Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
