his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize